The walls are getting narrower and narrower, closing in on me. I feel trapped by this illness. I'm lost without my energy and paranoid by the lack of substance. I don't know what to do.
'Should I go home still sober,
Or should I buy me another glass of wine,
And forget about time?
But my jeans are too tight'
In the matter of a few weeks I feel like I've lost the will to be what I've always aspired to be. I used to think If my mind was set like Patsy Stone's I would reach whatever I wanted to.
'Darling, if you want to talk bollocks and discover the meaning of life, you're better off downing a bottle of whiskey. Atleast that way, you're unconscious by the time you start to take yourself seriously'
But my wine glass is empty, and has been since I stopped refilling it. The days are all the same, and there i no time to change anything. At times I'm happy in this bubble, but for most of the time I feel trapped. I want to dance the night away, knowing that there are no worries, knowing that there is nobody to go back to, knowing that there is no to do- list lingering for the coming day. I hate limitations, I just want to be free. Following Thucydides I just need to be courageous: 'The secret of happiness is freedom. The secret of freedom is courage'. Taking that step over the cliff...indulging in dauntlessness... it will literally leave me stripped to the bones. I've incorporated it to who I am for so many years. Sometimes more distant, sometimes closer than my best friend.
The last few day of being ill has left me doubting everything I do. Why I'm waisting time and money at Uni, when its not what I want to do. Why I even try to be clever, when I'm not academically smart. I don't know who or what I am anymore. Looking back, the number and complexity of identities I've had over the years have left me an empty shell. Everything has been a constant battle of conflict and i never really stopped to do what I want. I never turned around to say no.
lördag 26 februari 2011
lördag 19 februari 2011
Nurture, nature, obscure
Living my life in different places, different countries has taught me a lot about feelings towards others. The way I see it is that people who are in my immediate environment are more readily in my thoughts. I may spend a month not separating from my best friend, I'll know what she feels and what she thinks. There is no need for explanation. But as soon as I go away it is very much out of sight out of mind. I will rarely speak to those I actually care about, and I will be emotionally as well as physically distant. As harsh as this may appear to be, its an originally conditioned response that has become unconditioned in order to provide saftety for me, as well as for them.
The human nature is to care (evolutionary this applies especially to females, regardless of what some political manifestos might say), but my nurture is to flee. Nurture is the hereditary component affected by environment that makes us unique as individuals. My family history follows a line of being unloved.
"I cannot love thee; thou 'rt worse than thy brother. Go, say thy prayers, child, and ask God's pardon. I doubt thy mother and I must rue that we ever reared thee!" (Wuthering Hights, Emily Bronte).
Therefore we have developed a reflex that has become an unconditional reflex, thus an essential component of our nature. We flee from what appears to be affection. We've made the fuzzy boundaries between nature and nurture even more obscure by making this reaction a constant personality trait.
'We construct a narrative for ourselves, and that's the thread that we follow from one day to the next. People who disintegrate as personalities are the ones who lose that thread' (Paul Auster).
We've made fleeing love and affection a part of our thread and believe that cutting it, will mean going against who we are. Believing that we are lovable, will therefore be unthinkable. Every time someone has tried to cut that thread, to disintegrate the view that we do not deserve love, it has shown to be lethal. Whether its been love for a person or for something less materially definable, its lead to a road of destruction. A road that has had a quicker end for some than for others in my family. It is an epistemology that applies only to those that define themselves after those rules. However, the empirical truth for us all has been that we are unworthy of love. Is this perhaps us applying a rationalists account based on our own history, or are we limited for only looking at our own hereditary background? In an existentialistic view we have brought it upon ourselves, we are responsible for our own thoughts and behaviours. In a deterministic view we are destined to be like this, its our nature. Its my personal belief to follow Aldous Huxley on this topic:
'All gods are homemade, and it is we who pull their strings, and so, give them the power to pull ours'.
Believing something else determines out behaviour, is very much a way of taking a distance to who we are. Blaming an external power for what we do, think, and say is essentially the human way of not wanting to take responsibility for the one thing we are in control of: our lives.
But returning back to the initial purpose of my relationship to people around me, what I try to say is that I flee from being too close. Taking the distance from the people I care about is a sign that I care. I wish not to be hurt by them, and the further away I am, the less likely it is that I will be hurt by them.
'Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend.' (Robert Brault).
The people I care about are usually the furthest away, and if I start caring for people in my immediate environment, it is most likely that I will develop an emotional distance to them. brush them of, keep them away from my core and what is inside of me. Keep them safe as well as me. Letting someone in cannot be reversed, and I don't like regret, therefore my nature is to flee based on the nurture of being unloved and the obscurity of being me.
Cheers
The human nature is to care (evolutionary this applies especially to females, regardless of what some political manifestos might say), but my nurture is to flee. Nurture is the hereditary component affected by environment that makes us unique as individuals. My family history follows a line of being unloved.
"I cannot love thee; thou 'rt worse than thy brother. Go, say thy prayers, child, and ask God's pardon. I doubt thy mother and I must rue that we ever reared thee!" (Wuthering Hights, Emily Bronte).
Therefore we have developed a reflex that has become an unconditional reflex, thus an essential component of our nature. We flee from what appears to be affection. We've made the fuzzy boundaries between nature and nurture even more obscure by making this reaction a constant personality trait.
'We construct a narrative for ourselves, and that's the thread that we follow from one day to the next. People who disintegrate as personalities are the ones who lose that thread' (Paul Auster).
We've made fleeing love and affection a part of our thread and believe that cutting it, will mean going against who we are. Believing that we are lovable, will therefore be unthinkable. Every time someone has tried to cut that thread, to disintegrate the view that we do not deserve love, it has shown to be lethal. Whether its been love for a person or for something less materially definable, its lead to a road of destruction. A road that has had a quicker end for some than for others in my family. It is an epistemology that applies only to those that define themselves after those rules. However, the empirical truth for us all has been that we are unworthy of love. Is this perhaps us applying a rationalists account based on our own history, or are we limited for only looking at our own hereditary background? In an existentialistic view we have brought it upon ourselves, we are responsible for our own thoughts and behaviours. In a deterministic view we are destined to be like this, its our nature. Its my personal belief to follow Aldous Huxley on this topic:
'All gods are homemade, and it is we who pull their strings, and so, give them the power to pull ours'.
Believing something else determines out behaviour, is very much a way of taking a distance to who we are. Blaming an external power for what we do, think, and say is essentially the human way of not wanting to take responsibility for the one thing we are in control of: our lives.
But returning back to the initial purpose of my relationship to people around me, what I try to say is that I flee from being too close. Taking the distance from the people I care about is a sign that I care. I wish not to be hurt by them, and the further away I am, the less likely it is that I will be hurt by them.
'Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend.' (Robert Brault).
The people I care about are usually the furthest away, and if I start caring for people in my immediate environment, it is most likely that I will develop an emotional distance to them. brush them of, keep them away from my core and what is inside of me. Keep them safe as well as me. Letting someone in cannot be reversed, and I don't like regret, therefore my nature is to flee based on the nurture of being unloved and the obscurity of being me.
Cheers
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